But how do I know I’m not quitting on the person I love? Who needs my love? Maybe I can help her! I was once her, I am her, I need love too.
Love is not supposed to hurt, so why are you so afraid?
I wanted to be able to give you unconditional love, but you knew me too well. Every insecurity I ever had, every time you lost your temper… Each word and bruise hurting more than the one before until… Until I became numb. Until the words and the bruises weren’t just words and bruises, but my consciousness. My self-esteem. I was all those things, and so much more. Deserving of less.
I want to burn every memory, every kiss, every “I love you,” every good morning, afternoon, and night. All of this future we planned together, I’m now here and you… Never again. I don’t want to see you in any of it—past, present, future.
The scars on my body have faded away, and with time my heart will follow…
Because I still don’t hate you. There! Are you happy? I still don’t fucking hate you.
I’m too busy hating myself. How did I stay for so long? Why do I still feel like I failed you, failed love? What does it mean when I still hope that we will be together again one day?
Maybe I’m overthinking it and being dramatic. They say relationships are hard work, that they’re not easy… I could have kept giving it a fighting chance.
But right now, I feel peace. My life is better without you in it. A calm went over me when I told you that I wanted to be just friends because I really meant it. I still cared.
At the same time, I can’t… I can’t just… I can’t…
What are you doing with my love?