Trigger Warning: depression, suicide attempt
Am I worth saving?
“No, everything’s fine! I just… I think I should go back home tonight.”
But everything was NOT fine. Everything had changed. I hadn’t been to my college town in months, and everything was different…except me. How was I supposed to tell anyone that AS SOON AS I SET FOOT ON CAMPUS, I walked right back into the darkest hours of Spring 2015 semester?
It was the 27th of February, and you told me this was for the best—that it wasn’t. my. time. YOU WERE ALL I EVER WANTED. And just like that, the day was the 28th of February and I swore it was my last. I remember how the wind blew right through the void in my heart, the raindrops replaced the tears that never came, and everything started to get heavier and heavier… Why was breathing so hard?
I remember it all, and here I was…
It’s now the 26th of September and the guilt of not being there for all of my loved ones kept me as long as it did. I didn’t want to be alone again; I couldn’t lose them too. So I smiled and I laughed—this is who I’ve always been to the world, but I didn’t feel like that anymore. Did I ever really?
The time was half past twelve on a Saturday night, and I just had to take off onto the open road. I just couldn’t be here anymore. As I rolled down my windows, I could feel that familiar breeze finding it’s way through my empty heart and those raindrops making streams down my cheeks; everything around me began to grow heavier… and heavier…
When did breathing become so. fucking. hard?
With every car that passed, I wondered what it would be like to drift into the light. I knew which one would be for me when I saw it.
The light was white, and came in the shape of a mustang that was recklessly weaving from one side of the road to the other until it finally made it’s way into my lane. With only a hundred feet between us, it was time to take my foot off the gas.
Everything began to slow down.
As the white mustang began to get closer, the warmth of the light filled the vacancy of my soul. Now slamming my brakes, I became consumed by the light. “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be,” I thought to myself. “It was always you.”
It was a white mustang with a driver who had way too much to drink and a need for speed. I didn’t want to hurt anybody, but I knew it was my only way out. I knew that the chances would rule in my favor alone.
Yet today’s the 26th of October, and I’ve lost count at how many times I have attempted to end it all. Attempted. Because somehow, I’m still here. It’s been 1 month since the last time, and I’m just beginning to come around to the idea that, maybe, I am worth saving too. Maybe.