“I’m 19 now, and I just… I just don’t want to feel like my life is over everyday.”
Nothing made sense. It’s the 27th of February, and you keep telling me how this is what’s best. YOU WERE ALL I EVER WANTED…and just like that, you became all I ever had.
I had never realized how much I hated myself until that very moment. Why not hate the entire world too? So, I broke hearts. I broke even more people who meant the world to me. But old habits are hard to break, so starving myself to feel control once again felt like the air… Even though that’s what broke us. Drugs and sex helped me break those thoughts of you—of us, if only for the night—every night.
And still, I couldn’t bring myself to stop pressing send…
Oh, so this is what rock bottom looks like?
I always imagined it as a place I never wanted to end up visiting, but y’know—LIFE COMES AT YOU FAST. And there I was, with only one way out…
But once I got to the lowest that rock bottom allowed me to become familiar with, I noticed there were 2 paths.
End it all or begin again.
The former appealed to me for quite some time, but after a failed first, and second, and third attempt: my ego became bruised, the memories of mi prima querida resurfaced, and I became a newfound level of tired.
Tired of using everyone else’s energy and space to take care of me, for me.
I couldn’t live for or against you anymore
I couldn’t be with or without you anymore
I had to learn how to just be
I had to learn how to begin again;
So here I am, marveling at the fact that I don’t know shit AND WILL ALWAYS NOT KNOW SHIT…but I’m trying for it. Learning how to let go and move on, learning how to not be a complete (unwarranted) dick to the people I love, learning how to not care what everyone thinks more than what I think, learning how to trust love, learning how to commit and how not to be a cheating chucha, learning how to forgive myself, and learning that I have so much more to learn.
You are allowed to take ownership of your life, to double-triple-infinitely question everything, to fuck up over and over again and always be worthy of love.
This is my story to tell, my life to live… And I’m ready to trust love one more time, and always one more time (Dr. Angelou).