Drafts and drafts of my bad poetry never make any sense
I search for the words that are never there
And yet, none of that seems to matter when I’m brought back to that cool October homecoming dance. The year is 2012, the beginning of our senior year! And while everyone was worried about the world ending, all I could think about was how the moonlight touched the frame of your silhouette ever so gently, the softness of your skin brought upon the urgency of my touch, and those deep brown eyes framed the rest of my night.
BUT WAIT, THIS PERSON IS A HER?!?!?!
Fast-forward to life after 12/21/12, and the stressful question of, “Who am I going to dance with at Homecoming?” had finally become a thing of the past. And still, my world seemed like it was beginning to end all over again. The girl that I danced with at homecoming, was sort of…kind of…a lesbian.
“But wait, she doesn’t look gay! OMG, Dee! Does everyone think I’m a lesbian now too?” I could barely complete a thought, let alone a breath, as I let my words pour across the lunch table to my best friend.
“I couldn’t be a lesbian! I had a boyfriend! That would be INSANE!!!”
At that point, I didn’t know who I was trying to convince that I wasn’t a lesbian—my best friend or myself. Of course, my best friend didn’t really pay it too much attention since she was known to play for both teams anyways. But still, I had to voice what was on my heart… Her.
After that lunch period, I couldn’t help but analyze every girl-on-girl encounter I had been through, even if it was only brief. It was then that I heard someone play a song from Justin Timberlake’s latest album, The 20/20 Experience (Part 1). I always wondered why I felt so comfortable when he said “she” and “her” in the song, but felt so distant when artists would sing “he” and “him” when describing the person they loved.
“Too bad I’m not gay!” I assured myself.
And too bad I was bad at lying, too.
In the midst of all these thoughts running through my head, I got a message on Facebook …from her:
“Heyyy ☺” (A hey with 3 y’s and a smiley face)
Um, excuse me? Are you flirting with me?
But more importantly, why did I have this huge dummy smile plastered on my face?
And just like that, what I thought was my entire world ending turned out to be the beginning of a whole new one.
“But maybe she’ll just be my exception,” I kept repeating to myself. “Maybe…”
YouTube Search History:
- how do you know you’re gay
- coming out story
- lesbian coming out story
- ellen degeneres
- the l word
- how to tell if a girl is gay
And every time I would clear my browsing history, I imagined that I was also deleting those feelings that I had in my heart. Looking at my Safari opened to a fresh Google page, I had a clean slate.
There was no proof, so it must not be real. It couldn’t have been real.
Because she was a fire, and I… Well… I burned, for that flame burned eternal.
I tried to find myself within the ashes, I tried to recover, I tried to go back to what I thought was me.
That fire, your fire, our fire… In the depths of all that is wrong with the world, how could this be one of them? Constantly wondering how I got so lucky, I never questioned it for too long.
It was always you.
Featured Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_20/20_Experience