Many people believe that being gay is something you just know your entire life and then finally one day you decide to tell the people you love and yeah….
Though true for some, not for all (or even most). I mean, the dots are there–and when you look back at it when you’re beginning to question it (maybe around the age of 17…or 70), the dots begin to spell out G-A-Y-A-S-F-U-C-K in pretty rainbow lights.
And the dots aren’t like “oh I love softball” and “nice flannel shirt…and entire flannel wardrobe” or “I’m going to cut all my hair off.”
I’m talking about how you thought the girl in your ballet class was so pretty and soft when you were 5 (dot)…or how in third grade when all the girls were talking about boys, all you could think about was the girls who were talking about the boys (four dots, glen cocco)…or when you started always defending LGBT rights so heavily and passionately in the fifth grade (dot)…or how the only dreams you can ever remember from your entire lifespan are the ones when you were either being with a girl (dot) and waking up in a scared panic because that’s not who you are because boys are cute [right?] and what you’re ~supposed~ to like.
Oh, and remember every time you’d find out that a boy had a crush on you how uneasy you’d get…and when he touched you how disgusting you felt (hella dot)? Or how the week before freshman year started, this girl (stud) was checking out your books and how completely in love with her you came to be after 5 seconds of seeing her? (DOT, and very lesbian of you might I add #uhaul)
For me personally (since, you know, none of these previously stated dots came from personal experience or anything…), I think my final dot was taking a second to listen to my heart. Because during my “seriously questioning” time frame, all I wanted more than anything was to put myself in a box so quickly that I forgot that labels don’t define a person, a person defines a label.
So for about a month or so, I just went by “no labels.” And during this time, I really took a look at who I was. I threw all the stereotypes out of my head and thought about what I wanted. Maybe I was in denial…or maybe I really just didn’t know. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter. Was what I wanted with the rest of my life was to be in a box…especially one I didn’t belong in? The answer was easily NO.
After letting that go, it came naturally to me that I was solely sexually, emotionally, and romantically attracted to women. Mind you, the whole “lesbian” idea came into my head in January and it took me until the end of September to accept it with no “but maybe I could possibly/if the circumstances were there/if he makes me happy/yaddy-yadda” bullshit.
And this is in no way saying that everyone who experiences love somewhere in the middle of the spectrum is like me… Oh no! I just really don’t like penis…or exuberant masculinity…or penis. And it could be the combination of the three or just one of the three. I just know that I like my women soft and pretty and lacking a y-chromosome and on the table ready for me. HAAAY!
But seriously, you really just have to trust yourself. Don’t go off labeling before you even know what you like! And you don’t have to put your mouth on or insert any body parts of another to find that out (but you can if ya want).
Just really think about at the end of the day, who do you want to be with. Who do you want to be in the arms of…or who do you want to be in yours? Just know that there isn’t any rush to find out what you like! Doing so will only stress you out more which is quite counter-productive since love is supposed to make you feels good.
If you don’t know right now, that’s fine. And you’ll hear that a lot because it’s true every time someone says it. All you can do is listen to your heart…and what’s in your pants. They’ll help you wonders along this journey.
Featured Image: Benson Kua, http://www.moma.org/explore/inside_out/2015/06/17/moma-acquires-the-rainbow-flag