I’m sorry that you’re in there right now; that you have no one to tell, that your safety is compromised each and everyday. Yeah yeah yeah, I know what you’re doing…but clearing your browsing history doesn’t help when what you’re really trying to do is delete those feelings that you have in your heart.
I’m sorry that those coming out videos on YouTube don’t seem like they can be your reality, that you only experience The L Word (or Anderson Cooper) in your dreams. You’ve seen how your parents react to “those abominations,” and you know for a fact that they will disown you. No one should have to fear not being loved by the people who’ve supported them all of their life.
I’m sorry that you weren’t able to find out for yourself that it does get better. Maybe you left a note because you couldn’t let that part of you die too…or maybe you didn’t leave a note because you couldn’t let that shame live. Whatever the case may be, heaven is lucky to have a beautiful angel like yourself. Just know that you’re loved by someone on this earth still. If not your family or friends, then damn sure me. However, I know you’ve touched more than just my heart before you passed because you DO matter—not did, DO.
But you know what?
I’m not going to say sorry that you treat that kid horribly because you are too afraid to express your true feelings like them. Yeah, they’re fabulous. And yeah, you’re homophobic. And an asshole too. Still, you’re not a bad person. I’ve been there too. It hurts. So I’m sorry you feel that this is your only way to let it out. I’m sorry if you think it’s going to make you more “straight,” because it’s not. You’re one of the gayest of the gays (just like me ;)), so don’t take it out on others just because you can’t handle it. YOU say sorry to them and pay it forward.
Last, but most definitely not least, I’m sorry that I have to tell you that “it gets better” because you had it worst to begin with. But realize that this is your story. This is your battle. You are a precious gift given to this Earth, not the other way around. The LGBT+ community may have its moments, but that’s what happens in families. This is one of the best places to be with some of the greatest people you’ll ever meet. Why? Because your story is our story…because your battle is our battle. We’ve got you. And if you need someone to talk to, hit ya girl up. I love you with no restrictions. No conditions. Keep fighting, for you’ll inspire someone along your journey. You’ve already got me.